Friday 17 May 2013

Swings and roundabouts...


The other week I forgot non-uniform day. I wasn’t the only one of course, and after delivering the kids to school on time, I returned for their morning break with their own clothes so they could get changed to ‘civvies’. To be fair to my girls, they didn’t make a fuss; there were no scenes or tears, I volunteered to come back with the alternative outfits. If anything, I think they were a bit stunned that Mummy had dropped the ball. I can honestly say it’s the first time I’ve forgotten a school event/special day sort of thing.
 
The dreaded work/life balance

Just the once in four years isn’t bad right? But I felt bad. I thought it related directly to the fact that I’ve been flirting with the idea of going back to work since September. That’s seven months of writing this blog, managing a couple of Pinterest accounts, completing a smattering of creative writing projects and a smidgen of networking. My life is no longer ‘just’ about the children – I have some other responsibilities and other interests.

More recently I have noticed my mind wandering and wondering. What do I want to ‘be’ in the future? How do I want to spend my time? What impact will my working have on my children, both emotionally and in a practical sense? Alongside that I’m left questioning if I’m actually capable of working again? Have I been out of the loop for too long? Do I have the confidence to meet new people, in a territory beyond the mummydom I’ve become a native of? I don’t even have a copy of my CV to hand…
 
And it seems I’m not alone.  A quick check on the Mumsnet boards reveals the agonies mums returning to work face. Members are asking if they can go back to work, if full time or part time is best, how they will manage to fit a career around their children, which careers are most flexible, if they can cope with parental guilt and where, oh, where, can they get a decent cleaner?! Further Googling brings up plenty of advice too – how to decide the type of career that might suit you, how to choose childcare and more practical info on tax and benefits. Bloggers too are discussing the merits of mothers in the workforce.
Childhood should be cherished - not put on a schedule
 
At the top of my list are concerns about achieving a balance – really asking myself how much time I want to spend working and whether I am motivated by money or the need to challenge myself or even to set an example for my girls? Alongside that, it’s suddenly dawned on me that just as I am getting my business appetite back I’m fast approaching six weeks of ‘summer’ holidays. Even during term time there are sick days, inset days and half terms to allow for. To achieve my goals in both my career and as a mother would I turn into an OCD organiser – flapping my things to do list in my loved-ones faces and running what should be the halcyon days of childhood with military precision?
I feel like I have a lot of questions – and that my answers still need a bit of work. I think it’s likely that I’d remain working from home, living the freelance lifestyle I enjoyed before babies came along. In some ways that affords me the freedom to juggle my working day to suit my own schedule, but it could also mean that I’ll find it difficult to say ‘no’ to clients, and assume responsibility for far more than I would as an employee. In fact, today is actually National Work from Home Day, which is set up to get the UK to re-evaluate the work/lifestyle mix.

I’d love to know what you feel about the difficulties of combining a family with work, and if you are considering returning to work after a career break. Please use the comment box below to add your thoughts. Maybe my concerns are common ones – or maybe this dilemma is different for you?

12 comments:

  1. As ever Vanessa, you are very much in tune with my thoughts. It is a terribly hard dilemma, particularly for mums who have opted out of the workforce for a few years to look after their kids full-time. There are so many obstacles to returning to work - confidence, lack of leads, time pressure, not to mention the task of fitting work around family life. It is like signing up to two jobs. At the moment, I am dabbling in work - a few freelance bits and pieces and lots of my own (unpaid) writing. It doesn't pay many bills, but it keeps more relatively happy and occupied. The question is whether I ramp it up and start earning a decent wage and invite more stress into my life. Like you, I have lots of questions and some unfulfilled ambition but not many answers!! I will be playing it by ear...

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    1. Yes, I'm torn between going the whole hog and making some money or 'dabbling'. I wonder if this is just a transition period for us? Blogging seems to lead to lots of opportunities, so maybe it's time to sit back and enjoy the ride (control freak voice in my head isn't going to like it...).

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  2. I meet with so many mums who face this issue - and had the same dilemma when my daughter started school. I often start by asking people how they would like their life to look in five years or even two years. What would their day look like? From get up to bedtime what would their time be spent doing? Some time spent on this exercise allows people to really understand what it is they want out of their lives and only then can a plan be put into place to get them there!

    As a working mum there will always be guilt but we need to remember we are not superwoman! I have the best of all worlds in theory - I work school hours and not holidays - but I still find myself on the laptop late at night feeling very schizophrenic as I lurch between coaching and making sure the PE kit is clean! White boards are my saviour!

    On the flip side - this is an exciting time! Who knows where the journey will lead you?

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    1. Thank you for commenting. I'll try the exercise you suggest, and hope it sees me through the 'fog'!

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  3. Always happy to meet for a coffee and a chat if it would help

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  4. Really interesting read, and hits home with a lot of people, and in a way, me. I currently have 2 step children that we only have half the time, so I feel that I don't have it too bad with my full time job (although a lot of time I am late, and feel guilty not being there for dinner with them). I am trying to get my career going a bit and I have to admit, it terrifies me that in the not so distant future I may start (hopefully!) a family of my own, and I will have to make decisions about work, whether I still go, whether I take a few years out etc. and what it will do to my career. I finally have worked out what I want to do, and I might start but then have to work my way back up again if I do take time out! Scary thoughts!

    Good luck with your decisions! :) x

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    1. Thanks for commenting! From reading your blog (http://becwonderwoman.blogspot.co.uk/) you don't have a problem multi-tasking!!!

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  5. I'm here weighing in way after the fact. Our sons are now 29 and 25. Both seem mostly happy and well adjusted although they are very different people (that's not a bad thing, it's just a fact). I only stayed home full time with each of them for 6 months after they were born. In 1984, there was a lot of pressure not to "waste" one's education, especially women. I was a lawyer. In the mid 1980's, the options for working from home were far fewer. I hand wrote my briefs and I had an actual secretary who typed them. In fact, I got all the way through college and law school (7 years of post high school education) without learning how to type! The other thing that is better now, is that when we became lawyers, there were few, if any, law firms that would accommodate alternative work arrangements. For lawyers, working 5 days per week from 9 to 5 was considered part-time. In later years, I know some woman lawyers who "job shared", but usually that was only an option once they had already proved their worth in the trenches--the 10-12 hour days and some work every weekend.

    Our first son did well at a day care center. He was one of the first children there and his babysitter worked there. When his younger brother started there at about a year and a half, he was sick all the time. Just about every day, my husband and I would receive a call to come retrieve him because of a fever. My husband is a physician-scientist, so we would sit there on the phone trying to map out who could go home for what part of the day, etc. We finally broke down and got a live in babysitter which worked relatively well for us.

    In retrospect, I wish I had not been so distracted by my job which was intense and high stress. I think that robbed what I gave my boys (and my husband) even when I was with them. I was exhausted and depressed a good deal of the time. Ironically, I semi-retired and started working from home writing briefs (it's all done on a computer these days, even filings in court) when our younger son was in his last year of high school. He and I got a dog and I think it was a good year for us. (Mind you, 18 year old boys think their mother is quite lame much of the time. But, he and the dog would drive him to school and after he arrived home from school, he would come up to my third floor office to see --- the dog! He was also an only child for four years when his older brother was away at university and I think he actually looked forward to conversing with us at dinner. We kept quite steadfastly to the rule that we should all eat dinner together every night when the boys were growing up. At times, they just spent the entire meal sniping at each other. "And we're doing this -- because, why?"

    I think today's mothers (those with professional skills) have more options in terms of structuring their work life so as to be more family friendly because of technology and also some change in the culture of the workplace. Young mothers (and fathers!) today are not willing to have their lives ruled 24/7 by their jobs and the Old Guard bosses many of whom totally didn't get it (in law and medicine anyway) are gradually leaving.

    One thing I would hope happens is that your generation of mothers supports one another as you make the decisions that you believe are best for you and your families.

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    1. I do hope that it is true that companies/bosses generally allow more flexibility - although I don't think all do in England (but they wouldn't say it out loud...!!). Your last point hits the nail on the head - women should always look to support rather than criticise other women's choices - it's the only way forward...

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  6. Wow Vanessa another thought provoker!

    I personally think we just have to do what in our hearts we want to. If we want to stay at home - and can afford to - then great. If we want to go to work - and can afford to bearing mind the cost of childcare means many women just find its not financially viable - then great.

    We are in a much better position now to make that decision than even just 10 years ago. Certainly in the 7 years since I had my eldest the number of people workimg part time has substantially increased due to technology and the recession. It's accepted that people have their out of office on for half the week and say that they can't make a meeting because they don't work Fridays.

    I returned to work after 12 months maternity leave with my eldest - 3 days a week in London. With my youngest I had 14 months maternity leave and now work form home doing the same job 3 days a week. But for me there was never any question that I wouldn't go back to work - I love my job (most of the time!) and just wasn't prepared to give it up and stay at home full time. I didn't even think about the kids! I was just like, "well they'll go to nursery, loads of other children do it and love it". I didn't want to martyr myself to them by giving up something I loved - they certainly wouldn't thank me for it and I wouldn't expect them to.

    Now my eldest just accepts that he goes to after school club 3 days a week with his friends whose mothers also work. I take a lot of time off in the holidays (I get 9 weeks anual leave) but he also enjoys going to holiday clubs with his friends many of whose mothers don't work! The kids have never asked me not to work and just accept that's what happens the same as many of their friends. And honestly, I've never felt guilty - what's the point?

    My partner can be more of an issue - understanding he needs to do more around the house and has to be on call on the odd occasion a child is sick.

    So, I think kids are resiliant and independent and they just don't need us there all the time. We shouldn't worry about what happens if we're not there. That actually occasionally just thinking about what we want to do regardless of the kids' needs is no bad thing. Because ultimately what's good for us can often be quite good for them!

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    1. Thanks for commenting. I'm really heartened by the fact your experience shows the business world is changing - and that employers are flexible!

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